"A bear walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender 'I'll have a vodka and................................tonic.' The bartender says 'Why the big pause?' and he says 'Because I'm a bear!"
Get it?? Pause? Paws? Oh my god, I am so hilarious!
When I laugh hysterically at my own jokes, my students look at me like I'm nuts.
Student: Ms Johnston, when is the report due?
Me: Well, the draft is due on Tuesday.
Student: But when is it DUE, DUE.
Me: You said, doo doo. BAHAHAHAHAHA! <Student rolls eyes as if I to say that I am completely immature.>
Me: Hey XXXXXX, can I talk to you for a second?.....Listen, I was wondering. Am I your favorite teacher?
To Silence Them:
I sing an opera entitled "I wish you guys would be quiet!"
To the Hispanic Kids:
"Um, when you guys speak Spanish, it makes me paranoid that you are talking about me."
When they aren't doing their work:
"I know you don't want to waste one minute of class time, so let me give you another worksheet to do"
When they are talking while I am giving directions:
I start whispering the directions so they miss them and then I refuse to repeat them.
The ones that are especially annoying:
I greet with great delight in the hall "HEEEEEY XXXX, how are you? I missed you so much this weekend! Where are ya going? How is your day going? Where'd you get that shirt?"
And my favorite--if someone wastes my time during class, my new technique is making them leave class last. I wait til everyone else has walked out and then I go over to them and just sit there staring at them and then I go "Well you wasted my time, so now I'm just going to waste yours...wasting, wasting, wasting...<then I break into song about it.>"